A Butthead's Headbutt (#1)

[Deleted]

EXT. HOBBS RESIDENCE - HO-HO-KUS, NJ - AFTERNOON

We open outside of the home of WALTER HOBBS in suburban Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey. MICKEY CONWAY, Walt's manager, stands in front of the house, reading the text on his phone:

"Mickey, I'm in the backyard. - Walt"

CUT TO:

EXT. BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS


WALT stands near the far end of the back yard. A small trampoline rests approximately six feet away from the house.

Mickey enters the backyard. 

MICKEY 

Hey Walt, I--

With an intense focus upon his face, Walt stares at the trampoline, takes a deep breath, and breaks into a full sprint toward the bouncy device. He hops onto the trampoline, springs off of it, and dives head first into the bring exterior wall of his house, crashing to the grass. 

Panicked, Mickey runs to Walt's aid.

Walt springs to his feet. 

WALT

I'm alright!

Walt dusts himself off, a massive lump already forming on his forehead.

MICKEY

Walt, what are you doing?

WALT

Training. 

MICKEY

Training!?! Walt, this is crazy.

WALT 

No it's not. It's Lana's idea.

MICKEY

It's Lana's idea that you train for your match 

by diving headfirst into a brick wall?

Walt smiles, nods.

WALT

Yep. She's such a sweetheart, always 

looking out for me. She's researched 

my opponent, Arthur Thomas. Did you 

know his signature move is a diving 

headbutt? Lana assures me that I have 

a harder head than anyone she's met,

and that my hard head's my key to success.

MICKEY

She did, did she?

WALT

Uh-huh, and so she said that I need 

to make that my finisher. So I named 

it-- "The Cry of the Whore Master." 

MICKEY

Walt, you need to be reasonable.

WALT

Oh, I am. You see, I know that Arthur 

Thomas is stronger, and faster, and 

hits harder, but I overheard Lana on 

the phone with someone last night and

she paid me such a compliment. I heard 

her say, "Walt's unbreakable. You can hit 

him, smash him, put a bullet in his head,

throw a toaster in the bathtub with him, 

and he still manages to survive."

Mickey is mystified by Walt's naivete. 

MICKEY

Yeah, that's quite the compliment. 

WALT

She knows me better than 

anyone. When I heard those 

words, my key to victory 

became patently clear. 

Walt leans in to Mickey, speaking in a whisper as if confiding a secret.

WALT

War of attrition.

MICKEY

War...of attrition?

WALT

Mickey, Lana's right. I do have a thick head, 

and I can take a lot of punishment. I have 

led a very accident-prone life, and I am 

confident I can take more abuse than most

people you've met, Arthur Thomas included.

MICKEY

Yeah, but--

WALT

Watch this!

Walt sprints back to the far end of the yard again.

MICKEY

Walt, you really don't have to do this.

WALT

I really do.

MICKEY

No, you really don't--

Too late. Walt has taken off and uses the trampoline to go airborne once again with another face plant into the side of his house. 

Walt doesn't move. Mickey looks concerned.

MICKEY

Walt? Walt, are you alright?

After a scary moment of nothing, Walt sits up-- like Michael Meyers in Halloween, only with a smile.

WALT

I'm okay. 

Walt stands.

WALT

You see, you don't know me well yet,

Mickey, but in time, you are going to 

learn two things about me. First, I can

take a lot of punishment. And second,

I do not submit. And with an opponent

who prides himself on having a hard 

heard and a submission finisher, I 

think I really have a shot against Ar-- 

The duo are interrupted by the sound of Lana's voice. 

LANA HOBBS (O.S.)

Honey, are you still back here? I brought

you a present-- something to help you train--

Just then, LANA HOBBS, rounds the corner into the backyard, carrying a large piece of plywood with RUSTY NAILS hanging out of it. 

When she sees Mickey standing by Walt's side, she tries to conceal the large piece of plywood.

LANA

Oh, Mickey, what a surprise.

Walt approaches her, kisses her on the cheek, and observes the plywood with wonder. 

WALT

Wow, this is great, honey-- just what I 

need to take it to the next level. Mickey,

help me set this up against the house.

Mickey grabs the wood from Walt's hands.

MICKEY

You know what, Walt, why don't we leave
this for now? I'd like you to come with

me to the gym to work on your technique.

Walt deliberates.

WALT

Alright, I'll save this for
later. I'll be back, sweetie!

 

Lana, her plan foiled, wears a look of disappointment, as the relieved Mickey and oblivious Walt depart.

FADE TO BLACK